……..I was looking at my “stats” this morning. Now if you are a blogger you’ll know what this is and how it feels. If you’re not, it’s easy to describe – it’s essentially pages and pages of information about your blog which boil down to your blog being in one of two categories – either the whole bookish world hangs on your every word or your readers are hanging on your every word by the 80/10/10 principle – that’s 80% of the readers are your family, 10% are the people you WANT to read your blog (that’s YOU by the way!) and the other 10% are eejits who never meant to end up on your blog in the first place! (In case you weren’t sure, my blog is definitely an 80/10/10 blog!)
And at this point, if you’re not a blogger, you’re wondering how the hell I would know if someone came here by accident? Well that’s the magic of blog stats – they don’t just count how many people came here from search engines – that would be too easy! They also record what they put into their search engine when they did end up here! And that’s what all these people have in common with Bono……………………. they still haven’t found what they’re looking for!!!!!!!!!
And I’m kind of glad they didn’t find what they were looking for! Because some of them are……..well……….judge for yourself! I know a lot of bloggers are writing about their favourite reads of 2013 at the moment – I will too eventually – but in the interim, here are the twenty best searches which led to my blog for 2013! (The little bit in bracketed italics is all the work of my own tiny mind though!) And a note of caution – I’ve quoted these search engine phrases exactly as they were written to find my blog – some of it might be offensive so for that, my apologies Mum!
SEARCH 1. Work Done By Ian Rankin In Tesco Apart From Books!
(Hard times obviously for the great man from Beith. There’s clearly not much money in being probably the best selling crime author in the UK! Either that or we have an early heads up that his next book is about murder among the supermarket checkout operators!)
SEARCH 2. How To Achieve A Dialect Like Judi Dench?
(I love the idea that someone thought there would be step by step instructions to Judi Denchdom! – By the way I’ve checked this myself – there aren’t! However if you want the run down on the world of the dialect, I found the dialect blog all about accents and dialects – which confirms Dame JD is a master (mistress?) of Received Pronunciation – that’s another word for “posh” – but which also calls calls me a user of “Scottish English”!!!!!!!! I feel an argument coming on!)
SEARCH 3. I’m Off The Telephone
(You have to worry for someone who needs to look this up on Google!)
SEARCH 4. Anger, fear, aggression,the dark side are they. Once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny!
(My advice is if you know this person and they invite you round for dinner………………………….don’t go!)
SEARCH 5. Desperate Dan is a dirty old man!
(To be fair, eating cow pie can get messy!)
SEARCH 6. Sex clubs in Vienna!
(Why the hell would you come to my blog looking for this filth?????! Anyway while you’re here, you might want to try Brothel Maxim Wien on Kärntnerstrasse 61 – 1010 Vienna, Austria +43-1-503 16 20. Recently voted one of the best brothels in Vienna. Don’t believe me – it’s all here at the Brothel Vienna blog! – I kid you not!!!!!)
SEARCH 7. Gay Boys Sex Tube!
(You learn so much from the internet – I thought the only thing that came in a tube was Smarties!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
SEARCH 8. Are Fur Coats For Snobs?
(It seems that, after all, people do come to my blog hoping to find answers to the great philosophical questions of our time!)
SEARCH 9. Why Is It Important For A Male To Be Sensible?!
(A vicious smear campaign, led no doubt by the women in my house. We men shall fight this on the beaches – we will never surrender – long live the “men are eejits and we’re glad to be daft!” movement!)
SEARCH 10. What Music Does Jenny Agutter Like?
(I haven’t a clue. Have you?)
SEARCH 11. Ken White ****** The Queen
(Simply unrepeatable!! You’d probably get carted off to the Tower Of London for repeating this – and as for Ken White – clearly a man much dirtier than Desperate Dan!)
SEARCH 12. Mantel and wellies!
(She’s one of the greatest novelists of our time, a veritable genius, Booker prize wins back to back, and even prepared to court controversy and abuse from the Daily
SEARCH 13. Who Hasn’t Won The Booker Prize?
(Well there’s me for a start! Fortunately on this one – I’ve got quite a lot of company! I think his next question would be ‘Which Scottish footballers have never won the World Cup?!)
SEARCH 14. Why Is The Weather So Wet At The Moment?
(Classic example of stereotyping Glaswegians! Even though we grow up in the wettest city in Europe it doesn’t mean that we are all bloody meteorologists!!!
Having said that the main culprit is probably the jet stream making and moving our surface pressure systems and perhaps in accelerating, the jet stream has caused air to rise upwards through the atmosphere and create low pressure centres and therefore a greater likelihood of rain!
………What do you expect from living under rain clouds 24/7?!)
SEARCH 15. Is John Humphries Ill?
(No! John’s always a cantankerous and miserable old git! That’s what we love about him!)
SEARCH 16. Pissed In Your Chips!
(Personally I prefer salt and vinegar!)
SEARCH 17. Affair With Older Woman!
(Think this will be Dustin Hoffman searching my blog again – frequent visitor to my blog is Dustin – no sign of Mrs R though!)
SEARCH 18. Pishwas Sex Fucking!
(I’ve no idea what kind of sex “pishwas” might be – perhaps it is a specialty in Viennese brothels – so this is another one for Brothel Maxim!)
SEARCH 19. Quarter Turn Left Drive Ropes
SEARCH 20. “Why Does Rabbie Burns In Ayr, From His Domain In Statue Square, Seem To Gaze On Scenes Afar, And Turn His Back On Rabbies Bar!”
(I include this for two reasons – firstly purely because it’s a poem, written on the wall of a pub, and that pub was where I spent 75% of my time as a student! The other 25% was wasted on things like lectures and reading! Rabbie’s Bar in Ayr – I salute you!
Second reason is that I plan to do these reviews of my search items periodically from now on and post them in the category “Road to Nowhere”, after the lyrics in the Talking Heads song – because I think I know where these weirdos are going but I don’t know where they’ve been!!!!!
And so this is a great place to finish because if you are ever really on the road to nowhere, then where better to stop than a pub!)
So there we have it – the best of my blog searches in 2013. There are clearly some weirdos out there if their searches are anything to go by! Then again those weirdos and their searches led to me – which probably says as much about me as it does about them – still at least I will have company in the queue for the therapists couch!